OCTOBER 23, 1976
FORMAN DRIVEWAY
KELSO: Damn!
HYDE: Kelso misses another one. I believe that's H-O-R.
FEZ: You are a whore.
KELSO: No, the game is Horse.
JACKIE: Okay. You know what, Michael? I'm gonna go home. I'm gonna do my homework.
ERIC: You do your homework on a Saturday night?
JACKIE: Yeah.
ERIC: Look, I mean, look at me. I've got a 1,000-word term paper due Monday... but you don't see me sweating. I've got a whole crappy Sunday to do it.
KELSO: Jackie, don't go home. I mean, Steve Martin's hosting 'Saturday Night".
JACKIE: I hate that show, okay? They have commercials that you think are real but they're not real. And then you wanna buy the stuff. Okay. See you, Michael.
ALL: Bye! Bye-bye! Shut up.
HYDE: Kelso, Jackie does her homework on Saturday night. That's so hip.
KELSO: You guys don't have to worry about Jackie anymore... 'cause I'm breaking up with her.
ERIC: We are so tired of hearing you say that.
KELSO: No. I am. I'm breaking up with her.
HYDE: Yeah, when?
KELSO: I'm picking my moment.
ERIC: Where's Fez?
FEZ: Make that shot, whore.
OPENING CREDITS
FORMAN KITCHEN
KITTY: Now, aren't the waffles extra delicious this wonderful morning?
ERIC: Did you quit smoking again?
KITTY: And why do you ask, little one?
ERIC: You're talking like Snow White, so I figured...
RED: Eric!
ERIC: Which is great, I really want you to quit.
KITTY: I should've quit a long time ago. I'm a nurse. I know better. More sausage?
PHONE RINGS
RED: I'll get it. Hello? That's too bad. Sure. Be glad to. Yeah. See you soon. Goodbye.
KITTY: Who was that, dear?
RED: My mother. Seems like... Uncle Paul broke his ankle... and she's going to church with us today.
KITTY: No, she's not. It's Paul's turn to take her.
RED: Like I said, he broke his ankle.
KITTY: Broken ankle, whatever. It's his turn.
RED: Kitty, the man is injured.
KITTY: Okay. That is just great. I will just take a chicken out of the freezer... because queen Bernice... doesn't like ham.
RED: Okay, look, I'll just call her and tell her we can't make it.
KITTY: Red. You know who'll get blamed for that.
RED: Why should she blame you? She's my mother.
KITTY: Something she never lets me forget.
ERIC: Look, you could tell her I'm sick or something.
KITTY: Eric, go upstairs... and put on that shirt your grandmother gave you.
RED: Eric, just stay there. Your mother is just being ridiculous.
KITTY: You know what's ridiculous, is giving your mother our phone number.
RED: What's being ridiculous is...
ERIC: Hold it. Hold it. Now, look... let's just stay calm. Mom, if it'll help you out, I'll hang out with Grandma... so she'll leave you alone. What do you say?
RED: First of all, Eric, I'm the one who says "hold it." When you pay the bills, you get to say "hold it". Now get in the car, 'cause we're going to church... and we're gonna have a damn nice Sunday.
KITTY: You're damn right. Just try and stop me.
ERIC: Damn.
MRS. FORMAN'S DRIVEWAY
KITTY: Here she comes. God, Red, I don't think I can do this.
RED: Kitty, do us all a favor and light up.
KITTY: I'm fine.
ERIC: Careful, Grandma.
GRANDMA: (SCREAMS) It's just my dress.
KITTY: It's nice to see you, Bernice.
GRANDMA: I hate this car. You know, I just hate this car. Your brother Jerry has a beautiful car. A Lincoln. But then, he makes more money, a lot more money than you do.
RED: All righty, then.
GRANDMA: So, Kitty, Eric tells me that you quit smoking.
KITTY: Yes, I did quit. And I just... I feel great.
GRANDMA: Good for you, dear. (SHE LIGHTS UP A CIGARETTE)
THE CHURCH
PASTOR: In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost. Amen. Please stand for a moment of silent meditation.
KITTY'S PRAYER: Dear God. Thank you so much for helping me quit... such a filthy, disgusting... soothing, delicious habit. God, I can't do this. No, I'm fine. Amen.
GRANDMA'S PRAYER: Dear God... what's with all the Polacks?
ERIC'S PRAYER: Dear God. I don't mean to bother you on your day off... but I promised to help out with Grandma and I have a term paper due tomorrow. If you could either get her to leave early today... or burn down the school tomorrow. I mean, either or, God's choice. It'd really help me out, man. God. Lord. Amen.
RED'S PRAYER: Dear Lord. Would it kill you to give the Packers a winning season? Amen. And watch over my loving family blah, blah, blah.
FORMAN BASEMENT
MAN (ON TV): Welcome to Worship for Shutins.
KELSO: Change it.
HYDE: All right, change that.
DONNA: How did we change channels before Fez?
KELSO: I don't think we did.
ERIC COMES DOWNSTAIRS
ERIC: You guys, I gotta work on my term paper.
DONNA: Where's Grandma?
ERIC: She's in the bathroom, so I've got, like, 20 minutes, half hour tops.
DONNA: What's the assignment?
ERIC: All right. "In 1,000 words describe the three branches... of the United States government and their functions." I'll never make it.
DONNA: Go up and tell them you have homework to do.
ERIC: No, I wanna keep peace in the family.
HYDE: Yeah, Donna, Forman wants the Hallmark card family.
ERIC: The what?
HYDE: You know, Grandma comes over.
HYDE'S STORY: Forman family sitting together:
KITTY: To my mother-in-law on this beautiful Sunday. Your smiling face... Your kind embrace has made my home a happy place.
GRANDMA: And I'm so happy you're the one... to whom I gave my loving son.
RED: And I'm so happy you're both happy... 'cause otherwise life would be crappy.
ERIC: I don't want that.
HYDE: Yeah, you do. I can see it in those wide, hopeful eyes. But the reality is this:
HYDE'S STORY:
GRANDMA: To my daughter-in-law, you took my son.
KITTY: You wrecked my life.
GRANDMA: You stole my youth.
RED: You hate my wife.
KITTY: I do my best.
GRANDMA: Now, that's a joke.
RED: I'm going out.
KITTY: I need a smoke.
RED: Damn it, Eric! Quit hiding from your grandmother. She's old, she could die. Now, move it!
ERIC: I thought she was in the bathroom.
RED: False alarm.
DONNA: Look, go take care of your grandmother. We can do this.
ERIC: Thanks.
HE GOES UPSTAIRS
HYDE: All right, how many words does he have?
DONNA: His name, the date, the class. Seven.
HYDE: He's screwed.
KELSO: Use his middle name.
JACKIE: See? Now, this would never happen to me. That is why I do my homework on Saturday.
HYDE: This is a moment, Kelso. Pick it.
JACKIE: I think you all could learn something from me right now.
HYDE: Moment number two.
KELSO: All right. Jackie, we need to talk.
JACKIE: You know what? I did the same paper last year in history. I think I got an "A." You want me to go home and get it?
DONNA: Let me think. Yeah!
KELSO: Hold on, Donna. Jackie, we need to talk about this whole...
DONNA: Jackie, why don't you go ahead?
JACKIE: Okay.
JACKIE GOES HOME
DONNA: Do not break up with her yet, you understand me? Say you understand me.
KELSO: All this time I thought you didn't like Jackie.
DONNA: Just don't break up with her yet.
KELSO: Okay.
HYDE: What do I need Jackie for, man? I know more about this stuff than she does. The three true branches of the government are military, corporate, and Hollywood. I need a pencil. I got it.
DONNA OPENS THE DOOR TO FIND JACKIE AND KELSO MAKING OUT
DONNA: Jackie, run!
FORMAN KITCHEN
KITTY: I hope you're hungry. Yup, the chicken will be done soon.
GRANDMA: I can't eat chicken. You know I have an irritable bowel. You should have made a ham.
ERIC: Boy, Grandma... that was a great service this morning. Don't you think?
GRANDMA: I think the pastor talked too much about forgiveness. Some people shouldn't be forgiven.
ERIC: This is why theology is such a rich...
KITTY: You know, Bernice, some people don't need forgiveness... they just need a little understanding.
ERIC: Too true. Have you seen "Godspell"?
GRANDMA: You know, what I don't understand... is how in hell a brilliant young man, like my Red... could have thrown away everything.
ERIC: Grandma! Why don't we go into the living room and I'll rub your feet.
GRANDMA: What a wonderful boy. Look at how thin you are. Is your mother feeding you enough? You should come and live with me.
ERIC: No.
FORMAN LIVING ROOM
RED: I was just on my way to the garage. To fix this.
ERIC: Dad, just watch your game.
RED: No, it's just the Packers.
GRANDMA: Eric, where've you been hiding?
ERIC: I've been doing some homework.
GRANDMA: That's important.
ERIC: Yeah. You know, actually, it's a really interesting...
GRANDMA: Eric, a little less talk and a little more rubbing. You're the only one who's not afraid of my bunion. Oh, dear.
FEZ: Good-bye, Eric, I am going home now.
ERIC: No, wait, Fez, you haven't met Grandma.
FEZ: Hello, Grandma. In my village, we worship feet. And these dogs are a holy treasure.
GRANDMA: You wanna rub them?
FEZ: May I?
ERIC: Knock yourself out.
FORMAN GARAGE
ERIC: Hey, Dad.
RED: Damn it, Eric! Don't sneak up on a person like that when they're doing this. How's it going in there?
ERIC: I rubbed her feet.
RED: Now, you're a brave one. Better get back in there.
ERIC: Dad, you coming back inside?
RED: Eric... I love your grandmother very, very much. I just can't talk to her or spend any time with her.
ERIC: Did I mention that I'm in there rubbing her feet?
RED: You know, son... sometimes you've just gotta play through the pain.
ERIC: What?
RED: I don't know. Just get back in there.
ERIC: Yeah, right.
FORMAN BASEMENT
HYDE: "With their sugar-coated ideals... designed to anesthetize the ignorant masses. Why? So that the military slash corporate branches... can carry out world domination." All right, read that back to me.
DONNA: Okay. Bla bla bla mm bla bla mm.
HYDE: You didn't get that?
DONNA: All right, let's just use the encyclopedia.
HYDE: You just want to vomit up facts from an encyclopedia?
DONNA: Yes.
HYDE: Okay, fine. You know what? Vomit away. I will not be a part of this, then.
KITTY: Eric, are you down here?
DONNA: He's not down here, Mrs. Forman.
KITTY: Donna, good, why don't you come up and eat with us? I need all the help I can get. Not you, Steven. Grandma doesn't like you.
DONNA: Lucky bastard.
HYDE: What am I supposed to eat?
KITTY: You know, help yourself to the deep freeze.
HYDE: But everything's frozen. And I have a dryer.
FORMAN DINING ROOM
RED: Honey, these cheesy potatoes are delicious.
KITTY: Thank you, honey.
DONNA: They really are great, Mrs. Forman.
ERIC: We have them whenever Grandma comes over... 'cause mom knows how much she loves them. Right, Grandma?
GRANDMA: They make me sick. I'm allergic to dairy.
FEZ: How sad.
RED: Ma, this is Wisconsin. You're not allergic to dairy.
KITTY: Maybe she's just allergic to my dairy.
DONNA: If you're allergic to dairy you shouldn't put cream in your coffee. I mean, cream is dairy.
ERIC: Donna, just, no, okay?
GRANDMA: You shut up, Eric! Who the hell are you?
ERIC: Grandma, that's Donna, you've known her for 16 years.
GRANDMA: I have not. Anyway, I like your new friend better.
FEZ: The feeling is mutual.
RED: Done. I heard a noise in the garage. Raccoons. Bye.
KITTY: I couldn't eat another bite. I've had enough.
DONNA: I'm going back downstairs. Excuse me.
ERIC: So, what say we watch "Lawrence Welk", Grandma?
GRANDMA: No, I'm going to watch "Lawrence Welk" with my new friend. You up for another foot rub, Desi?
FORMAN BASEMENT
HYDE: Fry time. Hot! Hot!
ERIC: What are you doing?
HYDE: Just working on your report here, and having some fries.
ERIC: Wait, you put French fries in my mom's dryer?
HYDE: Yeah, the fish sticks are too flaky, so I just... I don't even need to...
KELSO AND JACKIE COME BACK
DONNA: Finally. Where have you guys been?
KELSO: We had to look for the paper, and eat... and then some stuff happened, you know.
ERIC: Your shirt's on inside out.
KELSO: Yeah, that's the stuff.
DONNA: Where's the paper?
JACKIE: Right. Okay, see? It wasn't on the three branches of the government... it was on the four food groups.
DONNA: Okay, look, my dad's got the World Books. I'll just run next door and get "G."
JACKIE: I'll go with you.
DONNA: You can break up with her now.
THEY LEAVE
KELSO: You know, I'm tired of everybody trying to tear me and Jackie apart.
HYDE: Moron, every day you say you're breaking up with her.
KELSO: You guys don't know her like I do. I mean, it's not just about fooling around. She buys me stuff.
HYDE: She hoovered your chest, man.
ERIC: You know what? I don't care anymore. All I wanted was a little help with my paper and you've done nothing!
HYDE: We put your middle name in.
ERIC: Jean-Claude?
HYDE: That's two words.
ERIC: You guys suck. Just thank God for Donna.
DONNA: Okay, bad news, my mom sold some out at the garage sale. But we have "B," "X," and "R."
KITTY COMES DOWN
KITTY: All right. Now, you listen up. I have had an extremely stressful day. And I am not proud of what I'm about to say... but someone give me a cigarette! Now!
ERIC: But, Mom, we don't smoke.
KITTY: Cut the crap, Eric. I am a nurse. I know that one in five teenagers smoke. One, two, three, four, five. Now, I'm going to close my eyes, and when I open them... there had better be a cigarette between these two fingers. Come on, people. Hop to! Thank you. Light?
RED: Kitty.
KITTY: There you are, Red.
RED: Ma says the cat bit her, so I'm down here looking for it.
ERIC: Dad, we don't have a cat.
RED: That's what I thought.
HE SITS DOWN AND TURNS THE TV ON
KITTY: You know, we really... We shouldn't leave your poor little foreign friend... up there alone with Grandma.
SHE SITS DOWN
KITTY: It's really kind of nice down here.
FORMAN PORCH AND DRIVEWAY
GRANDMA: Thank you for a wonderful dinner.
KITTY: You are so very welcome.
GRANDMA: I hope I wasn't any bother.
RED: Ma, you're no bother. You're as welcome as... flowers in May.
KITTY: Bernice, here, I wrapped up some chicken for you to take home.
GRANDMA: Thank you, dear. And I hope you put some of those cheesy potatoes in there. You know how much I love them.
ERIC: What? I thought you made such a big deal about how you were allergic to...
RED: Eric! This has been a perfectly nice Sunday. Let's not spoil it.
GRANDMA: Sweetheart... I hope I didn't make too big a deal about my allergy.
RED: No, Ma, he's a kid. He overreacts.
GRANDMA: You know, this is the cutest little car. I just love it.
FORMAN BASEMENT
ERIC: Eight hundred and twenty-five, eight hundred and twenty-six...
KITTY: Eric, what are you doing? It's 1:00 in the morning.
ERIC: I'm just finishing up some homework. What are you doing down here?
KITTY: Snow White came down to gun a stick.
ERIC: Look, Mom, I wish you wouldn't smoke.
KITTY: I know. This is my last one. I promise. By the way... thanks for your help with your grandma today.
ERIC: Can I ask you a question? What does she have against you, Mom?
KITTY: Well... About 25 years ago, your father was dating... this very attractive, well-to-do woman that your grandma liked... and he married me instead. And she never forgave me. ERIC: That bitch.
SHE LAUGHS
ENDING CREDITS
FEZ AND MRS. FORMAN ARE WATCHING TV TOGETHER
FEZ: Now, who was the lady with the cotton-candy dress?
GRANDMA: That's Norma Zimmer, the champagne lady.
FEZ: She is very talented.
GRANDMA: And you see those two dancing? That's Bobby and Sissy. I like his tight pants, but she's a slut.
FEZ: You know, I have seen this show before. But the band leader's voice was much more masculine. (SPEAKS IN SPANISH) Bubbles!