FORMAN BASEMENT
Kelso, Eric and Hyde are doing the arm and doorway trick.
Kelso: Push. Push. Come on, you gotta push it.
Hyde tries to push harder.
Hyde: How much longer?
Kelso checks his timer.
Kelso: 10 seconds. You gotta push harder or it's not gonna work.
Hyde: This is so stupid.
Kelso: It's not stupid. You're gonna love it.
Hyde: I'm not, not gonna love it.
Kelso: Okay, that's time. Step away from the door.
Boys laugh at the trick.
Fez: Kelso, you're a genius.
Kelso: Yeah, well, it's magic.
Jackie: Oh, my God, finally. I am so dehydrated.
Eric comes down to the basement.
Eric: Oh, here. Piggly-Wiggly Diet Creme Soda.
Jackie: I told you, my top three choices were Tab, Fresca or Diet Rite.
Eric: Again, you get Piggly-Wiggly Diet Creme Soda.
Jackie: Then I'll just have water.
Donna: You know, there's a hose in the backyard.
Kelso: I've noticed that the pop selection has really went downhill since your dad got laid off.
Eric: He's not laid off, he's just part-time. And shut up.
Kitty runs down the stairs.
Kitty: Kids, kids, kids, kids, kids, kids, kids... The President is coming.
Eric: What President?
Kitty: The President of these United States, Gerald R. Ford, the 36th... eight... 40th... I don't know, he's the President.
Eric: Why would Ford come to Point Place?
Jackie: Because we are a whistle stop along his Wisconsin campaign trail. My dad organized it.
Kitty: Dear, the next time you know a president is coming to town, please give me a little more notice. I need to vacuum. Eric, you tidy up this basement. A pie! I gotta make a pie!
Kitty leaves.
Eric: Wow. The President's coming.
Kelso: You know what we should do? That door thing again.
All: Yeah.
OPENING CREDITS
FORMAN DRIVEWAY
Red: So how's the car?
Eric: Real good.
Red: By real good you mean you rotated those tires like I asked you to?
Eric: Dad, don't they rotate every time I drive?
Red: You being a smart mouth?
Eric: Yes, and I'm sorry.
Red: Tuna casserole again?
Kitty: Well, okay, how about we don't pay the car insurance and we'll all have steak? (laughs) Well, just imagine, President Ford is coming here. Uh, Red, we need to get rid of the oil stains in the driveway.
Red: It's not like he's coming to our house. And if he did, I'd kick him in the keister.
Kitty: Stop it. How can you say that? You voted for Gerald Ford.
Red: Kitty, no one voted for Gerald Ford.
Kitty: (laughs) But he still is our President.
Red: Oh, the boy's old enough to hear that kind of talk. Eric, say that your job was sent to a plant in Guatela-who-the-hell-cares. Now, are you gonna vote for the guy that let that happen?
Kitty: Red, President Ford didn't take your job. He took Nixon's.
Red: Eric, we're waiting.
Eric: Uhm... Well... I believe that everyone's political opinion is valid and worth hearing.
Red: Well, that's... That's perfect, Eric. Use that line when you run for Miss America.
HIGH SCHOOL
Principal: Settle down and we'll start the assembly. Now, concerning the canned goods drive. Motor oil is not a food. (students booing) I'm sorry it's not. And all your booing isn't gonna make it one. Now... As you all know, President Ford will be visiting our fair city. And I know there are some of you ne'ev-do-wells out there that might be planning some sort of, quote-unquote, social statement-type protest.
Hyde: I can't believe this. Who cares if Ford is coming?
Eric: It's better than when the Oscar Mayer Weeniemobile drove through.
Donna: They didn't even stop. They just slowed down and threw a bunch of hot dog whistles at us.
Hyde: Two girls in a phallic RV. Driving around, handing out things you blow. (sighs) What a great country.
Principal: So let me tell you another thing, Mr. or Mrs. Punk. Protesting accomplishes nothing.
(the light bulb above Hyde goes on)
Principal: Oh, sure, you might see a chance to prove your manhood or show you're cool...
(the light bulb above Eric goes on)
Principal: ...but this is our President. Our President, darn it! So no shenanigans, you hear me?
(the light bulb above Kelso goes on)
Principal: And if that's your kind of attitude, you might as well go home right now.
(the EXIT sign above Fez goes on)
COUNCIL MEETING (PRESUMABLY AT BURKHART'S)
Mr. Burkhart: So President Ford should be arriving at noon.
(Kelso comes in)
Kelso: Oh, man! Deviled eggs.
(Jackie joins him)
Kelso: Are... Are this for anybody?
Jackie: Hi, daddy! Hi, Mr. Pinciotti.
Mr. Burkhart: Hi, kitten. Now, look, we're talking about adult stuff here. Why don;t you and your friend head up to your room?
(Jackie and Kelso run to her room)
Mr. Burkhart: Now the most important part of our presidential rally is the townspeople "Q&A" section.
Bob: Just so everyone's clear, the "Q" stands for "Questions", the "A" is for "Answer". All yours, Jack.
Mr. Burkhart: This is where normal folks step up to the microphone and ask the President questions. Now, the most important thing is to choose the right person, you know. A working class guy. Your average Joe. I guess someone you and I would call a loser.
(lamp above Bob's head goes on)
FORMAN DRIVEWAY
Bob: So, of course, I thought of you. We'd like you to ask President Ford a question.
(Kitty exclaims)
Bob: So what do you say to that?
Red: I say, no thank you, and I want my crescent wrench back.
Kitty: I'll do it.
Bob: No, no. You keep working on your pies.
(Kitty leaves)
Bob: Just imagine Red. You, the little guy, get to have your opinions heard by the most powerful man in America. Take advantage of this opportunity.
(lamp above Red's head goes on)
Red: Turn that light off.
Eric: (from the house) Sorry.
FORMAN BASEMENT
Hyde: Look, guys, we gotta do something that says we will not pay homage to a corrupt electoral system.
Fez: I know. A bloody coup.
Hyde: That's good, but we're looking for something great. Something that would make our founding fathers proud, man, you know?
Kelso: Let's streak!
Hyde: Bingo!
Kelso: Yeah! I've always wanted to do that, just run buck naked through a sea of people. Be free and shake it around. All right, who's in?
Fez: Will people be chasing us with torches and pointy sticks?
Kelso: No.
Fez: Then I am in.
Kelso: Great! Eric? Are you in?
Eric: Okay, streaking. I'm... Don't get me wrong, I'm completely pro-nudity, but I think my dad might kill me, and I'm anti-being killed.
Hyde: Hey, if there wasn't some huge downside to doing something this stupid, it wouldn't be worth doing, you know?
Donna: Good point.
Hyde: Oh! And I could write some really great slogan like "I hate the fuzz" on my ass.
Fez: If you hate the fuzz on your ass, why don't you just shave it off?
PINCIOTTI HOUSE
(Bob is wearing a weird striped costume)
Bob: Pretty snazzy, eh?
Donna: Looking good, dad.
Bob: I got one for you, too.
Midge: We're gonna wear them to meet the President.
Donna: No. No way.
Bob: Honey, you're missing the pig picture. Let me go get the other jumpsuits. You'll see.
(Bob leaves)
Donna: Mom, why are you doing this?
Midge: Honey, there are lots of things I do to make your father happy that I don'Rt really like.
Donna: Mom, ugh.
Midge: No, not that. I love that. I meant like fishing.
(Bob comes back with a set of jumpsuits)
Bob: See? If we stand together, we're the American flag.
Donna: I'm not wearing a striped jumpsuit.
Bob: Oh no, honey. You're the field of blue.
Donna: Bye now.
Bob: But Donna, you're part of the family. (Donna leaves) Oh my, this hurts. (he picks up the phone) Yello.
Red: Good news, Bob. I've been thinking about it and I've decided I will ask Ford a question.
Bob: Oh, jeez, Red. This is good news. And I could sure use it right about now.
Red: Yeah, well, glad I could help.
FORMAN KITCHEN
Red hangs up.
Red: Oh, I'm gonna ask him a question, all right. And it's gonna be a damn good one.
Kitty: Red.
Red: Now, don't worry. I'm simply gonna ask him how the hell he's gonna fix this economy.
Kitty: Oh honey, he wouldn't know that. He's the President.
THE DINER
Fez joins Donna and Eric who are sitting together.
Fez: All this food for 45 cents, it is unbelievable. (he eats) Oh, I see.
Hyde and Kelso join the squad.
Hyde: So, Forman, the rally's tonight, man. What's your decision?
Kelso: Yeah, you're gonna streak or not?
Donna: Don't pressure him.
Eric: No, I've been doing some thinking, and I'm in.
Hyde: All right.
Donna: Well, you're gonna look like a bunch of idiots.
Kelso: A bunch of naked idiots.
Eric: Thanks, Kelso. Look, we must keep this quiet. It can't go beyond this table. If my father finds out what we've planned, he will nail me to the wall.
The background changes and they look like "The Last Supper". Church music is playing. Jackie joins them.
Jackie: Why are you all sitting on one side of the table, huh?
Church music continues.
FORMAN KITCHEN
Kitty: Make way for my presidential pies. See? Cherry, mock apple, blueberry. See that? red, white and blue? It's like the beginning to Love, American style in pie. (she laughs) Look. Lookit. (she claps Red's arm) See, honey, you're not looking.
Red: Yeah, pie.
Eric comes in.
Eric: Here, Dad. Mr. Pinciotti wanted me to give you this.
Red: What is it?
Eric: It's your question for President Ford.
Red: But I'm working on my question for President Ford.
Eric: Right. Well, this is the one the committee made up for you.
Red: "What has been your favorite parade?" (angrily) This is asinine.
Kitty: Macy's?
Eric: No contest.
Kitty: Right.
Eric: Can I borrow your trench coat?
Red: I can ask the President any damn thing I want. It's my right. I'm not gonna be a puppet for Bob's committee.
Eric: Right, I'll take real good care of it and I'll bring it back as soon as I possibly can.
Kitty: Honey, just take the coat and leave.
Red: No. Eric, a man has to stand up and be heard. I will not sit quietly by when everything is taken away from me. They took my job, my stability. Now they want to take away my right to free speech.
Kitty: You still have the Toyota, it gets great mileage.
Red: Where is the America that I knew as a boy? Where? You tell me, dear God, where?
Eric: Okay, I really hate being in this room right now.
(Eric leaves)
FORMAN DRIVEWAY
Donna and boys (who are wearing trench coats) are standing in the driveway.
Hyde: Okay, when the President starts his speech here, I'll blow my Oscar Mayer whistle and we go.
Eric: Did you write "I hate the fuzz" on your butt?
Hyde: Yeah. Donna, here's your lipstick back.
Donna: Keep it.
Eric: You got the masks?
Hyde: Yeah, I got three Snoopys and one Nixon.
All: Not it.
Eric: Fez, how'd you know how to do this?
Fez: My country invented "not it".
Kelso: So can we go already? I'm itching to release the hound here.
Hyde: It's go time.
Kitty comes to the driveway.
Kitty: Oh, well, now look at you guys. What is it with you young people and Columbo?
Eric: Bye.
They leave.
Kitty: Bye. Aren't you going, Donna?
Donna: No. My dad's gonna make me wear this really queer jumpsuit. I don't know if I can do it. It's just too embarrassing.
Kitty: You know, Donna, my grandmother came from Sweden, and she had this thick, thick accent and it embarrassed me to no end. Well, I asked her not to come to my high school graduation 'cause I didn't want my friends to hear her talk, and she didn't come. 16 years later she got the gout and died. You see?
Donna: No.
Kitty: All families are embarrassing. And if they're not embarrassing, then they're dead.
THE MEETING WITH THE PRESIDENT
Boys enter the building.
Hyde: All right, try to blend in, huh?
Man: (flirting with Jackie) See you alone like that, so I came over and here you are.
Kelso approaches them.
Kelso: Hey, you hitting on my girlfriend?
Jackie: Michael, he's not...
Man: (after Michael starts to fight) Hey, man!! All right, you wanna go? Come on!
Kelso: Yeah, let's go, cowboy!
Kelso's trench coat shows his chest and the boys take him to another room.
Kelso: You are so lucky I'm naked, pal.
Eric: Shut up.
THE MAIN HALL
The Pinciottis are near the stage.
Migde: There's supposed to be a blue field of stars there.
Donna enters the room and joins her parents.
Midge: Oh, honey!
Crowd applauds.
Bob: Now if we just start to sway back and forth, it'll look like the flag is waving in the wind.
Donna: Oh God.
Boys enter the main hall.
Kelso: Hey, there's another guy in a trench coat.
Fez: I bet he's a streaker, too.
Eric: Fez, he's with Secret Service.
Fez: How about that man?
Eric: Yeah, Secret Service.
Fez: And that man?
Eric: Yeah.
Fez: And that man with the dog?
Eric: Yeah.
Fez: Oh, the dog is looking at us. Come here, boy.
Eric: No, Fez!
Hyde: Oh! Man, I just thought of something.
All: What?
Hyde: What are we going to do with our trench coats? I mean, after we rip them off, we can't come back here and het them.
All: Oh!
Eric: Oh, shucks.
Hyde: God, this is all my fault. You know what? (sighs) I'll hold the coats. You guys streak.
Eric and Fez: Thanks.
Dog barks.
Kelso: I just thought of something, too. We're naked and there's a lot of dogs here. Maybe we should just sit down.
Hyde: I'm in.
Eric: Me too.
Fez: Me too.
Hyde: Okay.
Boys take the seats.
Mr. Burkhart: Ladies and gentleman... (drum roll) ...the President of the United States of America, Gerald R. Ford.
People stand up and cheer. President falls down. The crowd screams OH, then cheers when he stands up. It happens twice.
THE MAIN HALL
Eric approaches Donna.
Eric: Hey what are you doing hiding over... (he sees her suit) Oh, okay.
Donna: Back off. I am a flag. Are you gonna streak?
Eric: No, we took a vote and it's unanimous. We're all very chicken.
Donna: That's too bad. It's been a while since I've seen you naked.
Eric: You've never seen me naked.
Donna: Like a zillion times. We were kids and you were always running around the neighborhood naked, screaming "Wee, wee! Pee, pee!".
Mrs. Burkhart: Now it's time for the "Q&A" portion of our program. First up, I'd like to introduce Red Forman. red is a father of two wonderful children and how he's managed to keep them clothed and fed while being cut back to halftime at the plant is beyond me. But he doesn't blame the President for his misfortune. No, sir. He only blames himself. I give you Red Forman.
Crowd gives Red applause and he comes up to the microphone. He stutters and cannot say anything.
Red: Mr. president... I...
Dramatic music is playing with shortcuts to Kitty's terrified face.
Mr. Burkhart: (in slow motion) Come on, Red.
Kelso: (to Eric, in slow motion) Your dad is bombing.
Red looks at Eric. People start to laugh and take pictures of him. Suddenly Eric puts his mask on, throws away his coat and runs to the middle of the hall.
Eric: Wee, wee! Pee pee! Wee, wee! Pee pee!
Eric yells and runs away.
Red: (visibly empowered) Hey, Gerry. Here's my question. How the hell could you pardon Nixon?
People give him applause.
FORMAN HOUSE
Eric enters the living room.
Red: Hey, son.
Eric: Hi, dad. hey, um, really good job at the rally today.
Red: Not bad. I kind of stumbled there at the start, but... I think I nailed him with a good one.
Eric: Well, anyway, it was... It was pretty cool.
Red: Yeah, well, sometimes a man's gotta do what he thinks is right.
Eric: yeah, I'm gonna call it a night.
Red: All right, son. Good night.
Eric goes up.
Eric: Good night, dad.
Red: Oh, and, uh, next time, don't wear black socks. You look like an ass.
ENDING CREDITS
FORMAN DRIVEWAY
Eric and Donna are standing together near the garage.
Donna: How could they not catch you?
Eric: I guess no one wants to tackle a naked guy.
Donna: So true.
Eric: Hey, you didn't uh... You didn't see anything, did you?
Donna: No. Well, maybe just a bit. But not the bit.
Eric: Wait, what do you mean "bit"?
THE END